Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in tosc's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, May 20th, 2007
2:52 am	as i long in i'm dead already this excitment was shortly lived the future was my biggest dream then i got here and did nothing but scream this biggest let down ever it hurts to frown so long so i swim for now and stay afloat but when looking down i begain to feel hope. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 18th, 2007
2:56 am	her-sa-for its hard to write between dirty lines so i coat my breath in vinilla. smellme like a candle made ship. i sail so high in this Disgusting life. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:39 am	hcnerf media look at this empty shatter noiseless mess full of hope love wishes and constantly burying the greed and the hate. ive been lost since i cut my hair. i will never meet the standards i place on myself. i will never feel safe in groups and i will never be strong. i sit here, Devoured in thought. thoughts. the past can only be changed if you move away. the future can only be rich if youre happy being greedy. thisi s myst ate Ment. ive been lost, since i was old enough to read a map. thats the truth for ytou. people make me feel pale,weak,poor,hopeless,fearful,dirty,sick,alone,and HATE>. I HATE>. i wish i could walk by my own side. i lay here, on this cold bed room floor. i dont care anymore.. as i am lying here, on this bedroom floor...its cold, but i dont care...it hurts, but i dont move...when i am dead, but breathing, i am awake and happy. leave me be. alone in slee[p]. every thing finally feels like cherryblosoms and fresh colord apples growing froma tree with sixteen arms for climbing, wearing shirts for cleaning. the worm is reality. have i always been this way? i love to thinnk,i will turn out ok. be happy dear, be happy. i should 0 0 0 0 leave in a space shuttle, made of solid metal. room for one or two or four, just depends how hard it travels. join me in the clouds. one day. on a weekend high spree. youre dreaming it, join my deadly reality. wehn you feel nothing. take me home. when yuo fell nothing. touch my skin. my lips taste warm, so keep going. inter ever persons own private, love fantisy. iworkformoneytobuymyhappyness.fuckoff. come come come f7i am here for you. Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
5:39 pm	im sorry, i love you, but im so pissed right now i dont know what to do with myself.i dont understand but what i do remember is that we had plans to get coffee before you liked me,wtf;im going to be so out of line, but im so pissed off. how can you say your putting yourself in MY position? either you didnt it with your eyes closed or you just dont care. wtf would you think if i said it would be WEIRD for you to come when i had a "coffee date" with some girl youve never met? how the fuck is it weird? if you just want to be friends than god damn introduce me and well invite him when we go out. but for it to have to be only the two of you? youre telling me if i did this and told you that you would care? bullshit and you know it. itd be wierd for you if i came, YOU THINK ITS NOT GODDAMN WEIRD for me having my girlfriend go out with some guy ive never met and telling me i cant meet him? duhhhhhhhhh, and the only goddamnadvice ive gotten is tobecome the liononmycalfanddefend what mine. sorry if you dont know anymore. leave me here though. when is it my turn to be happy. so decide what you want and if its not me than tell me ive got other shit to do like get on getting home. im sorry hunny but i couldnt go to work if i had to leave right now. so ahhh, . venting solves nothing only postpones it for a bit and wtf,. talk to gwen then if you need someone to talk to. you said you needed someone to talk to when its about me well dont tell some peice of shit random guy one god damn thing about me i dont give a shit what he thinks and the only thing that he needs yto knasow is that one otf the two things hes prolly thinking is going to get is ass kicked by someone who is attractive to both sexes with 14 inches of fear. lmao, thats so dumb. see i feel better allready and once you see this youll hate me and im sorry but waht do you want from me? im trying, but im human. jst understand what youve told me and how am i supposede to be ok with this? (Comment on this)
9:05 am	Other options: in the state i have become used to, the one i love and even some times do hate, i do not think i will last much longer. its like all the little dreams add up give you hope and then ship out, except for the ones you never wanted to think about after they were done and you were woken up feeling shitty about them. its like the one saying, "swing away" as she is dying pinned up agains a car and tree and you dont understand it until later, well if thats the case, thanks for the binoculars. yes i have known that i would become the leftovers for years now. i guess its been my fault, i hold on too tight, too bad youre not one of those oranges that likes to be squised, my peach. and i suppose the last step is to simply, or as hard as it really may be, is to accept your defeat, and when looking back realize its actually against your squeezing self, and accept it and dtep back. and for weeks youll become so lonley, and youll imagine the other side, and how happy they are with their newest love. watch them from those last presents from a great woman and let your eyes and all that water do the talking. driving home you hear that song, the one about him taking off her dress now, and thats when you call her despretly wondering more than ever where she is. and it happens to be the time she dosent feel like talking and now you can tell everyone who asks how you feel, that youre dead. this is when you decide youve lost the most precious thing you have ever held and when you have to quit the things you two shared. no money now, but no reason to need it either. its ok. and you tell them youre not going, so they invite your other half, the one that now has its own new half and you go there in secret because you want to see how happy she is, the happy you once made her. and they seem perfect. and so you stroll up to the fire and friends drinking and introduce youself. all the while controling every part of your body from wanting to do the worst things. and you smile at her, but its not like it once was and thats ok. thats ok because now that you truely have experienced the wonders of life the only thing left to do is return home. you in the next few weeks you happen to want to see everyone and forget old fighting and you save her for last. find her when she is alone and have one last talk. give her a hug and kiss. maybe ask her one last time if shed ever change her mind. when she says she dosent know, its only to try and save your little heart, but its not worth it. tell her youre moving away, and will not see her for a very long time. wish her luck, the best of it...the luck you had for only one short time, tell her he better be good to her and give her that last kiss. not the one you enjoy, but the only kind there is now allowed to give. there goes your heart. back to the car and now that was the last hope, let it go, let it all go. drive to that one spot, the spot where you will now put this burdon on someone else, but better than your friend of family you say. write down your little words. yell out your little last line. look at her, remember, and go home. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 13th, 2006
2:06 am	is this as real as it gets? i just wanted to see if you would actually leave me. and you did, and i knew you would. i always wanted to please everyone, but ive realized, i really dont fit in, anywhere. and i always feel right crying,endlessly. does anyone actually care? * i just want someone to realize my depression and* care for me care for me do more then tell me you do. will anyone, ever actually, show me? how much they care? ill just swing in this cold until someone comes to warm me, no one in sight, no ones comming no one would have came i could have sat out there for hours and only been forgotten. Cause everyone is too happy where they are and in the end its someone left alone so it might as well be me I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO NEED ME NEED ME is this some show, of the end? no one cares so what the fuck do i care anymore?but its all blamed on me i give up, simply, i quit. i stay up all night wondering everything over and over and but in the end why am i here? why am i, here? every ones happy, where they are and im still here alone i must be the one left over toss in your scaps and ill make my own love but i want to give in though id rather just leave no one gives in to me which makes me just want to fucking get away.away. im gonna leave and ill grow up to be and youll see me on tv nad youll wonder if i remember but really im thinking he same thing why did i leave? it felt so sad and that felt so good, to be alone, i put it on myself,but it felt so good, cause it felt sad. and no one cares so i dont give in just fade away. things change. people lie. i prey i dont see tomorrow until im blacking out and i give in things change people lie i turn away i feel bad i give in lets all take turns walking over me i will never be who i want to be. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 3rd, 2006
3:25 am	this is the lion of judah three fears the fear turns to depression i was strong you tured me weak now you hate what i am trust is the only word that id pay to keep everything else i can get myself and everyone wants this word for free and everyone has to steal it to get it cause that cant have it normally i sit here waiting watching looking for the finaly falling the reason for leaving i look too depp they say but i would be blind any other way what do you think of all this you know what this puts me through honesty means nothing to you you can be so ignorant id build you morals but theyd fall apart maybe its just me just me just me maybe no. people are the art of hate. how could they do this to so many people? its hard to look at the faces they have to go home now to tell their families that they cant be the man they were sent out to be (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
10:26 am	31st yOU aRE ThE ARt of LiVinG. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
5:49 pm	tosc tosc tosc tosc tosc tosc tosc toscccccccc ...and once the nights begain to turn cold it hits me like some season changes, like leaves or snow. and all i can think about is just walking away from everything i have and so i begain to look at everything that might so slightly bug me.aand its just like last year and how i wanted every friend i had to just go away so i could lay alone and say i had no one. its like i crave some kind of depressed empytness and i have the total opposite again so im looking fro reason to leave what i have. i dont want to, but its like i want to make myself feel like shit. i dont get it. so i just sit and think. i drive around after sun and roll the windows down to a chilling cool and do i expect someone to come to aid? i dont know. i dont understand. i just want to make myself feel sad. i just need, i dont even know. maybe if i left for a bit. maybe if i had any trust in anyone. maybe if i liked who i was. i dont know. ...people look at problems they have and then at other people and feel guilty that their problems are not as bad. like maybe comeone didnt get the hours they wanted and they are pissed off until they look at someone who lost thier house. but the person should feel guilty just cause their problems are not as bad because they still have their home and that is not their concern, their only concern is the hours they wanted. so now im trying to figure out why poeple do thigs, . "i never ment to cause you trouble" and i dont understand why they have to do things. but im trying. buyt ill never get it. and i hate they way people try to manipulate other people. fuck you. and i hate they way everyone changes. whjuy cant eveyone just stand still and be innocent? i was told i have not lived cause i dont get in trouble. cause i dont do stupid shit. and i think about that all the time. but in the end when its just me and no one is putting any type of preessure on me what so ever i relize that im the smart one. that i dont do dumb shit and thats good; i live my oewn life. and thats whyni think i dont fit in this group anymore not that i ever did. i dont fit in alot of places and so thats in the back of my head as a reason just to leave and be by myself. im lost 0 so lost and im going to lose everything i have if i dont understand soon. when you say certain things i dont believe you,. and thats that. i cant help it. if i was you and you were i, would you? maybe, but its nothing to think over, cause its nothing that we'll ever know. fuck. i tihnk that all this shit is over reated and sometimes i think if i slept and just kept on sleeping it would just be better than ever waking up. and i have thought this since 7th grade. "cant any body help me, before my head explodes" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 5th, 2005
6:23 pm	igoddamnmotherfuckinghateyousometimes.iwishicouldtellyou,butthenwhat?youplayitlikeanaccidentanditsfunnyhowweallseerightthrough.come,starefrombehindmyeyesandtellmewhatyouwouldsay.everytimeitrustiloseintheend?no.everytimeilookawayiloseintheend?no.maybeitsallinmyhead...&maybebillstruckipink."when you are this way you think you are god...ithinkishouldbealotmorethangodsometimes.fuckthis.youarethesorethatmanipulates.youaretheirlovethatisfake.smitetheshepherdandthesheepwillbescattered...no,smitethemotherfuckingshepherdandthesheepwilllivethierowndamnlives.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilaugh.youliveinliesandilau youonlywaketocausehavocamongthepeace,youonlywakeyougetfuckedupworsethanyourlifeis. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 30th, 2005
2:24 pm	suuuure Body: Daniel and Jasmine are sitting alone in the park one night.... Daniel: I guess we are the left overs in this world Jasmine: I think so... All of my friends have boyfriends and we are only the 2 persons left in this world without any special person in our lives Daniel: Yup I don't know what to do Jasmine: I know! We'll play a game Daniel: What game? Jasmine: i'll be your girl friend for 30 days and you will be my boy friend Daniel: That's a great plan in fact i don't have anything to do for the following weeks... DAY 1: They watch their first movie and they both touched in a romantic film DAY 4: They went to the beach and had a picnic...Daniel and Jasmine have their quality time together DAY 12: Daniel invited Jasmine to a circus and they ride on a Horror House....Jasmine was scared and she touched Daniel's hand but she touched someone else's hand and they both laughed... DAY 15: They saw a fortune teller down the road and they asked for their future advice and the fortune teller said: "My darling, Please don't waste the time of your life... SPend the rest of your time together happily" Then tears flow out from the teller's eyes DAY 20: Jasmine invited Daniel to go to the hill and they saw a meteor...Jasmine mumbled something DAY 28: They sat on the bus and because of a bumby road Jasmine gave her first kiss to Daniel by accident DAY 29: 11:37pm Jasmine and Daniel sat in the park where they first decided to play this game... Daniel: I'm tired Jasmine...Do you want any drinks? I'll buy you one.. I'll just go down the road Jasmine: Apple Juice that's all Daniel: Wait for me.... 20mins later... a stranger approached Jasmine Stranger: Are you a friend of Daniel? Jasmine: Why yes? What happened? Stranger: A reckless drunken driver ran over Daniel and he is critical in the hospital 11:57pm The doctor went out of the emergency room and he handed out an apple juice and a letter Doctor: We found this in daniel's pocket Jasmine reads the letter and it says: Jasmine, This past few days, i realized you are a really cute girl and i am really falling for you..Your cherish smile your everything when we played this game..... Before this game would end...I wouldlike you to be my girl friend for the rest of my life.... I love you Jasmine.... Jasmine crumples the paper and shouted: "Daniel ! i don't want you to die... I love you...Remember that night when we saw a meteor, I mumbled something... I mumbled that I wish we would be together forever and never end this game. Please don't leave me Daniel.... I love you! You cannot do this to me!" Then the clock strikes 12 Daniel's heart stop pumping THEN IT WAS THE 30TH DAY........ ************************************************* Always love your loved ones and show them how you feel before it is too late... You will never know when they will be gone from your embrace... If you were given a time to bestow petals of everlasting compassion and love to your loved ones? Today is the day.... Love them while they are still here... Copy Paste and after 24hours .... Your loved one will realize how they are significant to you! I love you and Need you Forever <3 Repost this in 5min. and a miracle will happen tonight PS Do not ignore or youll regret it later ------------------------------------------------- .....whatever. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 29th, 2005
4:40 pm	its like it will fall apart as soon as i let it go. its like im only real when im in sight. its like you take the peices and twist them to how you think they should be, and not how they want to be, and you do this to them all. i watch and listen and hear you wisper, the things you said, i should tell your love to leave you. but maybe you have decided something differnt. who knows, i dont care, im just trying to keep everyone how they want to be and away from what youre doing. sometimes i wonder if you think about it, or if its just natural. it will be better but who knows what it would take and then what. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
11:56 pm	itwillallsoundlikesomethingelse. its the snow that i love and how it feels on my hands and my face and my neck and the color of it all its so, so soft. it feels so cool everytime, like something new. and ill miss it just moments after it falls. ill wait by the window, for the first sign of clouds. i listen to the speaker, to hear just, anything. god, its so sweet of you. how can i say, "thank you?" and when it warms and i fear wait til tomorrow, all is over thrown. its always the same sound, it always sounds so fresh. but i try not to rely on it, my dream said it might fall. and its still cold, so botton up. the snows still falling, so smile on. fall in love with the sound. let it fall. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
3:39 pm	i just want to be there for something. gnihtemos rof ereht eb ot tnaw tsuj i. i just want to be there for something. gnihtemos rof ereht eb ot tnaw tsuj i. i just want to be there for something. gnihtemos rof ereht eb ot tnaw tsuj i. i just want to be there for something. gnihtemos rof ereht eb ot tnaw tsuj i. and i wont stop trying but someties it seems pointless and i wont stop trying but sometimes it feels like i can never be THAT valuable. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 27th, 2005
4:16 pm	i feel notihng i will try i will feel nothing i will try em morf ti peek ot gniyrt era yeht kniht i. tuoba em dlot eno ontaht roolf rehto elohw a eb thgim ereht taht ezilaer ot detrats i emoh ta gnileef detrats i nehw tsuj "i t a e i s k ?" "d y k a t e?" "i t a t k?" "n, b i y h a, c m o o i" = bullshit. "i t t s s, f l i d a" emas eht lla eruoy elihw kcab emoc dna elihw a rof evael em tel dnats i erehw wonk tnod i od ot tahw wonk tnod i ereht uoy htiw meht ssik ot reh llet earc tnod tsuj ti tuoba yrrow tnod tsuj ti tuoba laed gib a ekam tnod tsuj laed gib a hcus ekam i od yhw yawa gniklaw mi fi em llet os ni gniklaw ton mi hctaw dna ereh tis gniog ton mi ti fo kcis mi i dont want to wake up every morning, or go to sleep every night. oga syad retteb ti dekil i ti ta kool ot deoppus mi woh em llet get me out of this, for the 1000 time. "w t w t y d?," y h l m" "s i n t d b t t l?" it was one of you. and i hear it again, so i wouldnt doubt it, anymore. (Comment on this)
4:02 pm	fucking just deletaetkn my ficjking page os fucking messed op text damn it. (Comment on this)
3:49 pm	toasty i feel nothing i will try i i will feel nothing i will try em morf ti peek ot gniyrt era yeht kniht i. tuoba em dlot eno on taht roolf rehto elohw a eb thgim ereht taht ezilaer ot detrats i emoh ta gnileef detrats i nehw tsuj. " t t s s, f l i d a" emas eht lla eruoy elihw kcab emoc dna elihw a rof evael em let dnats i erehw wonk tnod i od ot tahw wonk tnod i ereht uoy htiw meht ssik ot reh llet erac tnod tsuj ti tuoba yrrow tnod tsuj ti tuoba laed gib a ekam tnod tsuj laed gib a hcus ekam i od yhw yawa gniklaw mi fi em llet os ni gniklaw ton mi hctaw dna ereh tis ot gniog ton mi ti fo kcis mi i dont want to wake up every morning or go to bed every night oga syad retteb ti dekil i, ti ta kool ot deoppus mi woh em llet get me out of this, for the 1000 time. "wtwtyd? yhlm." "sintdbttl?" more later. Current Music: Mosquito (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
7:46 pm	let me tell you a story i have not tried to write like this in a while, its not going to be as good as i once would have been able to write it, so deal. i looked around with nothing and so i shut my eyes as i let mymind drift off i asked god for just one thing he said give it time, and then well see i feel alseep and had a dream he said i was so near be patitence dear boy i saw the start and i had to smile i saw a map the arrows pointed just north so close, so close it was cold and i went driving i stoped every where but found nothing i feel alseep and he said give it time the arrows pointed just north i was so close but so far* it hit me blind side like a speeding car i didnt notice at first but the sight made my stomach knot i assumed this was nothing like the past 100 i sat there and wondered i sat there and hoped time went by before i relized that i once had this dream where someone spoke to me the arrows all seemed to be pointing to the spot that i have come to know tell me what it all is. Current Mood: imlookingdownanditsallgood Current Music: joe barber the end of everything (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
1:29 pm	sm tims i pk p frm th blnkts nd wndr f i shld vn ttmpt t gt p. m nt ct t fr ths lf nd tht dsnt bthr m, ts tht i stll st hr nd lv wth t vrydy, thts wht bthrs m. i fl lk m gng n whr nd i jst wnt t knw whn t wll nd. n mttr hw mch ffrt i pt n, i dnt gt n vn xchng, s why kp t p? i hd a drm nd t ws lvly, i hd a drm nd i wnt t tch t. m ld frnds r fllng wy qckr thn i nc thght (Comment on this)
Friday, May 6th, 2005
12:17 am	fuck it. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)